Tired of being sick…”unthinkable” thoughts swirling through your mind.

Image supplied from google

Image supplied from google

HG is so physically and emotionally debilitating that every second of being sick drives you further and further into depression.

Many days I found myself with no joy about my pregnancy.

“How did I go from being elated to be pregnant to being so resentful of it?”

The more I was sick, the more frustrated and depressed I got.

There was no break. I was nauseated ever minute I was awake. I was spitting so much that falling asleep was impossible and sleep would often come after midnight. I was throwing up until my stomach hurt, my back hurt, my throat bled and bile and blood came up, my head hurt, I was faint, and it was physically impossible to stand.

“This is not how MY pregnancy is supposed to go!” I would scream in my head.

Every time I went to the OB appointments, there would be pregnant women every where eating, drink, laughing…glowing and absolutely looking as if they were enjoying every moment of their pregnancy.

And here I was, sick…EVERY MINUTE of every day.And not just “I am feeling a little under the weather” sick, but “God, please don’t let me die” sick!

And the unthinkable, and unspeakable, thoughts came.

“Why did I ever get pregnant?”

“I hate being pregnant!”

“I wish I was not pregnant”

Unless you have walked, or are walking the path of a woman with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, reading what I wrote above might seem so selfish…ungrateful…stupid…wicked…

How can someone pregnant, with a healthy pregnancy, be so ungrateful as to wish they were not pregnant at all?!!

But when you have barely kept down a teaspoon of water in 2 days, have choked as you threw up your meal, heaved so hard your stomach hurt while you threw up bright yellow bile because there was nothing left inside your stomach to come up besides that…when you are sitting in bed or on your sofa like I had to do, because you can’t lay down to sleep any more because of the severe reflux…the thoughts flood in.

“I wish…I wish…. I wish I never was so stupid to get pregnant!”

And those thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with the wonderful life that was created, but everything to do with being depressed and despondent during HG.

HG pregnancy is a slow, low 9 months. It is a journey that seems like the darkest and lowest and most unfair one any pregnant woman makes. When you are there, it is only the love you have for your unborn child, and if you have religion, your faith and obedience to God,  that keeps you going in spite of your emotions raging in uncontrollable despair. If not, I tell you, many of us who were and are walking that road would chose to end that journey to escape the suffering HG brings.

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Pregnant and depressed

No one tells you how depressed it can get when you have HG.

Believe me when I tell you that this is one of the most depressing times a pregnant woman can go through, except for hearing about a fatal diagnosis for their unborn child ( I was there for a few weeks so I can tell you how this felt first hand).

Your body aches, you are constantly sick and what was supposed to be one of the happiest times of your life is the most miserable time.

I was working with another teacher who also was pregnant, a few weeks behind me. I watched as she flitted about the place like a butterfly, eating and drinking what ever she pleased.

My diet: mangoes, papaya(I hated this before) pasta with lentils and an obscene amount of salt, cassava with and obscene amount of salt, the occasional English potato with nothing but salt, soup had a short stint, extremely cold malt flavoured water. Nothing else was added to my food except what was mentioned- no seasonings, no butter, no oil, nothing but salt.

And by diet, I mean that these things had a greater likelihood of staying down for more than 5 minutes.

Nothing could be cooked in my house; just boiling water make me throw up. All the seasonings had to go. My mother had to cook for me, with the occasional soup that my sister made for me when I was in my first trimester.

Sleeping for 3 hours, spending hours sitting in the bathroom because it was easier that running in there every 5 minutes, watching people eat what ever, go where ever, do what ever, and especially watching my pregnant colleague blooming like a pregnant rose while I was there sick, weak and in pain, really drove me deeper and deeper into depression (forgive my long rambling sentence).

And not to mention the stares, the comments about me spitting and being constantly sick and the size of my stomach and how thin I was (I was thin to begin with but got even thinner while pregnant) made the depression pile on.

My husband was trying to be supportive but he was just not understanding that I could not stand the smell of garlic and onion and him eating a pattie and then brushing his teeth 3 times afterwards did not help because I still smelt it and threw up. Sure he rubbed my back and brought a chair for me to sit in the bathroom, but “why did he have to do these things?” I thought.”I should be enjoying my pregnancy and instead I am sick EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

I felt extremely depressed.

Hoping Against Hope

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My mother and two sisters were both sick during their pregnancies.

my eldest sister got better at around 7 months, but my mother and other sister were sick the entire time. I was hoping that I would get better after the first trimester and be able to really enjoy being pregnant.

I had ptyalism (over production of saliva). If I swallowed it, I threw up. Neither my mother or sisters had it, so I was certain that since my pregnancy  was so different to theirs, it meant that I wouldn’t be sick the entire time.

My OB, after informing me that this was the worse case he has seem of ptyalism, told me about ginger, eating in small amounts, eating crackers, and gave me medication.

By the time I was nearing the end of my first trimester, I had begun to throw up at least 10 times everyday. And to top it off, I was back to teaching 4-5 year olds, where I had to talk constantly, and be active (which I couldn’t). I had no energy , every scent known to man made me nauseated or throw up.

I sat right by the window at work so that the air would blow the scents of food, crayons, markers, people, away.

Month 3 had come and things were worse than ever. The spitting would not let up and I would only get about 2 or 3 hours sleep because I spit so much I could not fall asleep. The nausea was constant, the vomiting was 10+ times everyday, I had no energy…

My hope was beginning to be lost as I realized that this might last the entire 9 months.

I became depressed….