Tired of being sick…”unthinkable” thoughts swirling through your mind.

Image supplied from google

Image supplied from google

HG is so physically and emotionally debilitating that every second of being sick drives you further and further into depression.

Many days I found myself with no joy about my pregnancy.

“How did I go from being elated to be pregnant to being so resentful of it?”

The more I was sick, the more frustrated and depressed I got.

There was no break. I was nauseated ever minute I was awake. I was spitting so much that falling asleep was impossible and sleep would often come after midnight. I was throwing up until my stomach hurt, my back hurt, my throat bled and bile and blood came up, my head hurt, I was faint, and it was physically impossible to stand.

“This is not how MY pregnancy is supposed to go!” I would scream in my head.

Every time I went to the OB appointments, there would be pregnant women every where eating, drink, laughing…glowing and absolutely looking as if they were enjoying every moment of their pregnancy.

And here I was, sick…EVERY MINUTE of every day.And not just “I am feeling a little under the weather” sick, but “God, please don’t let me die” sick!

And the unthinkable, and unspeakable, thoughts came.

“Why did I ever get pregnant?”

“I hate being pregnant!”

“I wish I was not pregnant”

Unless you have walked, or are walking the path of a woman with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, reading what I wrote above might seem so selfish…ungrateful…stupid…wicked…

How can someone pregnant, with a healthy pregnancy, be so ungrateful as to wish they were not pregnant at all?!!

But when you have barely kept down a teaspoon of water in 2 days, have choked as you threw up your meal, heaved so hard your stomach hurt while you threw up bright yellow bile because there was nothing left inside your stomach to come up besides that…when you are sitting in bed or on your sofa like I had to do, because you can’t lay down to sleep any more because of the severe reflux…the thoughts flood in.

“I wish…I wish…. I wish I never was so stupid to get pregnant!”

And those thoughts have absolutely nothing to do with the wonderful life that was created, but everything to do with being depressed and despondent during HG.

HG pregnancy is a slow, low 9 months. It is a journey that seems like the darkest and lowest and most unfair one any pregnant woman makes. When you are there, it is only the love you have for your unborn child, and if you have religion, your faith and obedience to God,  that keeps you going in spite of your emotions raging in uncontrollable despair. If not, I tell you, many of us who were and are walking that road would chose to end that journey to escape the suffering HG brings.

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